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“It’s okay, Mama”

Have you ever been caught by your kids while you’re in break down mode? I mean the crying in the bathroom lock the door sobbing break down? I was caught today.

Today, I was feeling the weight of the world. Ever since COVID I can assume most of us feel this way on a daily basis- juggling remote learning/teaching, going back to work to be exposed or diagnosed with COVID and not sure what will happen, trying to keep a job, raise kids, do the normal household chores, stay healthy, etc. I mean we live in such a fast paced society today and it’s easy to feel swallowed whole while spreading yourself so thin that you break. And when your kids catch you, you feel even more guilty.

I got in a tiff with my husband today and this takes me back to one of the first blogs I wrote about perspective. I’ve been teaching from home for a week and a few days, finding myself struggling a bit trying to stay afloat since my kindergartner is also remote. I’m zooming in one room, she’s zooming in another, but she’s 5 so it’s hard to focus for along time unless I’m right next to her. And being a teachers kid can suck because then everyone “labels” your child. I know the ins and outs and the teachers are amazing but when your kid is the one who can’t sit still or write her letters the correct way you start to feel judged, even if no one is actually judging you. Those damn expectations I keep having for everyone around me, especially myself, gets me in trouble every time.

Maybe if you’re reading this you can help keep my emotionally charged self in check. After months of Zooming, keeping the house afloat (on the inside), keeping up with Hudson’s health and appointments (meaning physically going with him since only one adult is allowed in), running 30 miles a week, teaching China, making meals, trying to teach Juliana, email parents at all times of the day because I love them all, etc… you start to reach a peak. Naturally, you feel overworked, exhausted, spread thin, hurt, resentful….you start to expect from other people that aren’t meeting those expectations.

I asked my husband to get the mail today. Normally it wouldn’t have been a big deal, but he was with his friend and they were talking about a home project he might be able to help us with. Here’s the perspective part. I saw him walking outside so I opened the door (since I was in the middle of a kindergarten zoom I couldn’t get it) and I asked if he could get it. He said no and that he was in the middle of a conversation. Again, normally if I wasn’t already feeling spread thin and overwhelmed, I probably would have just gotten it myself later on that day in between zooms and lunch. Instead, I whimpered and felt sorry for myself and asked myself why I couldn’t just have a husband who get the damn mail or at least say sure, I will when I come in. I even ran to the sliding door that looks out to barn to see if he would get it. Didn’t even register to him that I felt like a nuisance in that moment. Yes, I sound crazy here 100 percent, but see what overworking yourself and not feeling like you have a ton of support and keeping all the feelings bottled up just so you won’t hurt anyone or feel guilty does to you?

Wake up to teach China, run, get the kids dressed, pack lunches if we are in school, get Jules set up for zoom, redirect her every 30 seconds and obsess over why she can’t sit still, do my zoom, do her zoom, do my zoom, eat lunch, do laundry, eat a million snacks, take a shower finally, zoom again and maybe go to target (because I live there). Just needed the damn mail. Anyways, later that night I brought it up because it bothered me and if one more thing fell apart or I thought was “falling apart” I was going to break. They always say communication is key in relationships. Hi, I was sensitive, feeling the weight of the world, feeling a little down and I guess I took you me asking you to get the mail as rude for interrupting your conversation. Let’s just say the conversation got heated and I’m an idiot for even speaking my feelings before bed #momwifefail. Double whammy. The kids heard and I pretty much shut the door and hid with both of them. I cried and Hudson looked up at me, grabbed my chin, and said, it’s okay mama. I can’t even handle it. I cried more and more and more and prayed.

It’s never just situational with me. I don’t know about you, but my shit is deep. My feelings stem from other deep stuff that I don’t even want to uncover. I love my family very much, but like my last post, find those people who can handle you with the care YOU want and deserve. Just like a love language, we have a response language. When I might misperceive things, help me to understand your intentions.

The part that sent me in a tizzy during those whole “dumb mail story” is that his friend got me the freaking mail. I’m fine, we’re fine, it’s all fine but this stupid mail story is the analogy I will forever live by. Not everyone thinks alike. Our intentions can all be great, but if you respond a certain way or misunderstand a certain tone or way, shit can hit the fan.

I have learned that my “tap out breaks” need to be away from my house. Not near my husband or kids at all. I typically park in a parking lot, cut my hair and Marco Polo my tribe. Don’t ask. I need to not think, not overanalyze, not be a teacher, a mom or a wife. I physically need to be away. We don’t have a ton of family to rely on to come over on cue (understandably so) so our time is precious. As a couple, with 2 small kids, different, but also similar goals and dreams, on different pages, with drastically different parenting styles- it’s hard. But at the end of the day, I do know our intentions are the same. The hardest part in a marriage or relationship is actually conveying that. Tap out as needed.

The biggest lesson I have ever learned so far in my entire life is to stop having expectations. Stop expecting friends to stop everything they’re doing to talk to you. Stop expecting your kids to be like every other kid. Stop expecting people to understand you the way you understand yourself- if you find that, don’t let them go. Stop expecting family to drop what they are doing to come over and help. Stop expecting that just because people live close to you they can come over all the time. Stop expecting that your husband will understand everything you say, because chances are, he never will completely. Stop expecting yourself to feel a certain way.

Let your son or daughter tell you it’s gonna be okay. Cuz damnit, it is gonna be okay. Keep raising their beautiful hearts and let them be the person they are supposed to be all alone. Stop over analyzing and try to see others point of views. I’m working on that, but I am a big believer in tone and approach. Don’t be a dick. Don’t treat people like you are too good for them. Don’t tell someone you love you don’t have the time. Everyone interprets things differently and the heart drives that. Don’t do it. Be a nice human.

Hudson being able to read my feelings and immediately grab my face to say that made me feel like I am finally doing something right. Days like this are exhausting. Where you think everyone is out to get you and all you want is for someone to SEE YOU. Tell you it’s gonna be okay.

Thank you to the little boy that God gave me and knew my soul needed. Energies are flying high and crazy around this world right now. Life is hard but we can do hard things, especially navigate those feelings. I hope this blog isn’t too confusing. But I tend to write when I am emotionally charged and it feels really good. It’s okay mama. I see you… even when you think no one does. Yes I took a pic of me crying with both kids and yes I am a hot-mess and proud of it. Because I am a damn good mom.

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