Disclaimer: If you can’t handle negativity and are sensitive to high emotions, complaining mamas and kids on iPads, then don’t read this. Thanks and a have a great day. I normally write during high emotions and when my heart feels on fire (good and bad) because it helps me feel like I’m not alone and maybe it helps other people feel like they aren’t alone too. I also need to clear out my heart once in awhile. Ok fine, for me daily. #Thankstribe. After all, we are living in a historic season right now and everyone deserves to have their feelings validated and/or celebrated. I do believe everyone is struggling and “feening” for themselves where we are all nothing but a number, or so it feels.
I’m sitting in a car dealership with my 5 year old and I’m feeling like a crappy and sad mom today. I’m all over the place and I’m wound up with emotions. I had a bad morning and I’m feeling sorry for myself. And by bad morning I mean rip my hair out, no sleep, rushing around, and annoyed by everyone kind of bad morning. I keep trying to fit into this “cage” that I can’t fit in. I’m trying to limit iPad time and TV, be a good mom, text everyone back, stay off my phone and be in the moment, make everyone happy, be a good wife, eat healthy and run, make decisions that benefit everyone, not get COVID and the list goes on. As moms, we try to take on the weight of the whole world and at some point we start to crash- amiright?!!! Cue August- this is my crash time.
I’ve been in a bad headspace the past few weeks and I was late to my appointment so of course everything piles up and comes crashing down all at once. That’s how it always happens, right? I feel like I’m swimming against a current and now the weather is getting cooler and it makes me sad. And guess what? Let me be sad. It will pass I keep telling myself. Self talk and running has been my form of therapy lately. Oh and wine. Expensive red wine, because now I know the difference between cheap and not.
But more importantly, here’s the start of my crappy morning/week/month. My new car is already giving me issues. Howie took it for his first drive and noticed the brake had a weird smell. Since it’s a Certified Pre-Owned car I thought I could bring it to a local dealership, but turns out I had to drive an hour and a half to get it looked at with the original dealership I bought it at (I bought it less than 30 days ago). My husband is working overtime for the next 4 days and I was felt like I was wrestling 2 slippery pigs to get out the door this morning to get to my appointment at the dealership at 9am. Yeah okay, like that was going to happen. I show up at 1030am and by the grace of God they took me right in. I would have taken me in too- messy hair, hot mess mom, 5 year old in tow with a broken Ariel doll and almost crying. Plus I got a “decaf” iced latte on the way, but it was caffeinated. Anyone who knows me knows caffeine and me don’t go together.
On the way to the dealership in massive traffic and construction I get an email from my school denying an ideal proposal for the upcoming school year that would benefit my son and my family a great deal. I was holding onto every ounce of hope that this proposal would be approved, but I knew in my gut it most likely wouldn’t. Without going into too much detail, I am back to square one on making a decision about the upcoming school year. As some of you know, my son is undergoing some medical treatment and is being closely monitored by an endocrinologist. It is recommended that during this COVID season, he limits his exposure to several kids. With me being a teacher and my husband being a first responder and now a hybrid school schedule for my brand new kindergartner, that’s not possible for us unless I leave my job or take FMLA- which unfortunately I don’t qualify for. My heart is shattered because for all the good we do and all the love that we give to our jobs, we truly are left in a hard place. I won’t say anymore, but being a teacher and a mom of a first time kindergartener and a “medically fragile” (even though he’s a healthy little boy- just trying to find more answers) child, is the hardest job ever. I feel for all the teachers and moms right now so so hard. And right now I’m a number. I feel like we all are. There are so many people “feening” for themselves that it truly doesn’t matter. Decisions are decisions and in the end, you have to do what’s best for you and your family.
Here’s where I’m at. I’m done being walked all over and caring so much about what people think. I am done trying hold back my feelings because I’m afraid to hurt someone else I’m ready to clear the crap out and really decide what is best for myself and my family. The caffeine is a small problem. The car will be fixed. The hour and a half drive listening to little baby bum with my little best friend was actually the best thing that happened all week. I’m so glad I wasn’t alone today. I needed her- my little angel had my back today. Even when I was a horrible mom and was on my stupid phone obsessing all day. Even though I was so annoyed by her gulping her Gatorade so loudly. I kept stopping and telling myself to LET IT GO. BE IN THE DAMN MOMENT AND BE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER. This moment is going to come and go so fast. Stop obsessing over every thought.
This headspace? It will pass. I am learning to cry, feel, vent and most importantly know who I can vent to. These feelings and situations are temporary. The decisions will be made. You will be annoyed when your 5 year old is chewing loudly in your ear and you will put them on the iPad in the corner so you can breathe or write and that doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you human. You will obsess over important things because that’s WHO YOU ARE. Take it or leave it.
I am human and I have feelings. I might not know everything about everything but I’m not supposed to know. When I try to know everything I get more worked up and I feel more shattered. Let it go. Get off the ledge and ground yourself. This COVID season will pass. Things won’t ever be normal again because what the actual F does normal mean? My heart will lead me in the right directions and God will guide me through my emotions. I am where I am supposed to be and I am going where I am supposed to go. That uncomfortable feeling? That feeling of – Will I make the right decision? Will everything be okay? That push and pull in your heart that you feel in those tough situations? Embrace it. Feel it. Acknowledge it and understand that it is a natural human reaction. Say hello to it. That feeling is supposed to be there to wake your heart. The challenge is to get past that initial feeling of wanting to return to the “norm” and that comfortable feeling, so we can grow from it.
If this doesn’t make sense to you, that’s okay. Just know that you are not alone. Teacher friends, mamas, and everyone going through tough decisions and this insane season of life. This too shall pass and all will be okay.
My car is ready and I am thankful that it was nothing more. Juliana is playing kitchen and right before the service guy came out to tell me my car was ready, she looked at me and said, “Sorry mama, there’s no more wine left in my kitchen.” Good thing baby, because I would drink the whole bottle. Relax, I didn’t actually say that, but I did laugh because of the irony.
I’m gonna go have myself a positive day and continue to be grateful for these moments. You got this.