I an unapologetically who I am and I will not change. I have big ass feelings and while most of the time I hate it, I love my heart. I actually do love my soul and I feel like I can actually dig deep in my soul and see into it. I know at my core and my heart what I really want in this life.
I have been doing a lot of reading and as my previous blog, “I am” was inspired by Glennon Doyle, I wanted to write a few more things I learned about life and what makes it. Just to be clear, I am liberal, I hate politics, I love love, I hate confrontation and I hate arguing. I used to hate myself until I found myself and then I didn’t.
I HATE society. Our society has been assigned “gender roles.” I think it is a crock of shit, but I think it’s true. We are all pressed to be an act a certain way and I hate social media for it. I think back in the day, we were all programmed to be a certain way- men were supposed to be strong and work. Women were supposed to sit at home and watch the kids and make dinner. Now, younger girls are targeted- society tells us we have to be skinny with no fat on our bodies, we need to eat keto and we have to do yoga every night to calm our mind. I am sorry, but we don’t have to do ANYTHING that others are doing. I remember in high school I wanted so badly to fit in with the other girls. I wanted to wear make up and go to Abercrombie…but did I actually want those things? I didn’t know what the F I wanted. I wanted to fit in and that’s all I cared about.
Now, more than ever before, I am so nervous for MY daughter. Will society sway her? Will she be strong enough to stay on her own path? I wasn’t. Will she follow her soul and heart? Will she find her person? The one who connects to her soul? I did, but I lost that awhile ago. Will she be happy? I mean REALLY TRULY HAPPY? Will she feel how I felt when I constantly compared myself to all my “pretty friends?” Will she love girls or boys? Will she feel the constant need to be accepted? I did.
I know she isn’t me and I am not her. God connected our souls, but he did not make us the same. What I do know is that we both have BIG feelings and today’s world has a way of swallowing you whole and making it seem like big feelings are bad. “Stop crying. Grow up. Grow a back bone. You’ll get over it. You’re fine. Just breathe. It will be okay.” Society says, “Be skinny. You have to look perfect in a bathing suit, especially if you are posting that to Instagram. Boys are disgusting if they like dudes. Girls can’t love girls. (Yes I still hear this a lot and my own kids think this.) I am really working hard to make them understand that we are allowed to feel HOWEVER we want. We can feel angry, sad, happy, anxious, scared, nervous, excited, joy…WE CAN FEEL HOWEVER we want and no one can tell us otherwise.
My daughter is allowed to be angry and feel those feelings to the fullest. She is allowed to be sad without someone telling her to not to be. She is allowed to be strong-willed and bossy. That is who she is and no one should ever apologize for who they are. I am a HUGE hopeless romantic. I love to hold hands in public. I like affection and being held and told I am beautiful. I love little notes and reminders because society does a good enough job of draining me. I want to be built up. I love love. I love feelings. I love life. I want my son to grow up thinking he doesn’t have to be this tough guy who is intimidating and yelling every time he’s mad. I want both my kids understanding that big feelings don’t make you soft or weak. It makes you human and being able to feel however you want without being judged or caring what people think is freeing. We need that freedom because without it, we are literally caged in a chaotic world trying to be something we aren’t…for the rest of our lives.
If you aren’t happy, do something about it…when you are ready. If you are sad, it’s okay. Embrace it and move on when you want. Crying doesn’t make you weak or soft. Neither does having a big heart with a side of big feelings. It’s not always fun, but it’s worth it. Be true to your feelings and try to connect to your own soul. When do you that, the rest will fall into place. Be strong enough in a stubborn society and chaotic pandemic world to stay true to you and what you want and not what anyone else wants. What do you want? What do you want out of this life? Go easy on yourself and let yourself feel everything- big and small. Be unapologetically YOU. If you don’t know who you are yet, that’s okay too. The moments when you are bored, broken, hurt, sad, restless…those are the moments you find your true self.