emotion, faith, family, life, love, pandemic, self care, surviving motherhood

It pushes on the soul

Have you have had such big feelings that it pushes on your soul? Really really bad ones and really really good ones? I live for those good ones- the ones that make your soul jump into your heart. When you first find out you’re pregnant. When you first fall in love. When you’re with your family on vacation during sunset and all is right in the world. Those summer nights that you actually get to lay in a hammock with a tan and wine. The ones when you’re kids are cuddled up with you playing with your hair after you yelled at them because they think you’re a celebrity. Those simple unconditional happy moments are what life is about.

But then there are those moments that push on the soul and make it feel like we are suffocating. Feeling like you’re on the wrong path in life. Wondering if this is what life is supposed to be. Seeing your son have a seizure and not knowing what it is. Feeling belittled or feeling triggered by the people you love. Watching your daughter have difficulty regulating emotions and being afraid to have people over. Feeling lonely in a marriage, friendship or life. That debilitating, heart wrenching break up that leaves you wondering what you did wrong… that usually lingers with you through life. Those feelings are so hard to manage, especially when your plate is full.

As moms, we tend to take on the weight of the world, whether we mean to or not. It is not our intention, but speaking for myself I try to make everyone happy around me. And yes that includes myself. And no that doesn’t make me selfish thanks. We juggle the act of life and we do it so damn well that the one day we don’t, the one day we break down, the one day we lose it- we feel defeated. We post our defeat to show your circle that this is real life. I know we are human and it’s freaking okay to feel whatever the hell we want, but it is so hard to reason when your soul feels like suffocating.

Just recently if you read in my Instagram and Facebook posts, I had someone question my intentions. I will tell you- from experience that I am fully triggered when anyone questions my intentions. And the worst part? This person is someone I know very well. I was asked why I feel the need to post every detail about my life on social media? What is the purpose of it? Do you do it for attention? And this literally burned my soul and made me cry.

Those of you who know the real me know that I’m a big feelings person. I feel too many feelings all the time and it sometimes destroys me because all those feelings smoosh together and make me explode. I’m a good person with a big heart and I love my kids so much it hurts. I don’t need to explain my reasoning why I post about my life because it’s mine to share. I love to think of social media as my circle of supporters, cheering each other on and lifting each other up in times we need it- whether our kids are sick or whether we want a pat on the back because we just ran our first mile. Our lives are ours and we should never ever apologize for wanting to share it. Sometimes motherhood can feel isolating, especially during these unprecedented times and now we need each other more than ever. So I will not stop posting pictures and videos of me and my family or sharing things about them. If you don’t like it and you think I’m a selfish person looking for attention, then block me. Thank you to everyone who lifts me up. It just goes to show how human interaction is so important and needed in this crazy world, pandemic or not.

So to all of you brave, sensitive, passionate, open, take pictures and videos of you and your family, cry at movies and pretty much everything, feel every emotion daily, love your kids so much it hurts, questioning your job kinda people- don’t ever change. Keep on being you. I think that social media has done a 360 in the past year (maybe not in the younger generation unfortunately) and people are lifting people up instead of shaming. People are sharing about their lives, passions, accomplishments, products they use, etc and it’s wonderful. In times like this, we realize that interaction is so much more than words.

Stay true to you and never apologize for any parts of your soul.

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