I hate my body.
I just want a minute alone.
I need more time.
Is it my fault?
How much does it cost?
Why are kids so expensive?
Don’t grow up.
Am I doing enough?
I’m supposed to do self care, but there’s no time.
I can’t do screen time because research says its horrible.
I can’t get anything done.
We have no money.
Can you please just give me a second?
Go the f to sleep!
Why does my kid act like this?
I’m so tired.
God give me strength. I’m sure there’s more to add to the list, but how many times do we say these things? How many times do we ask for time alone? A night out? Then when we do go out our husbands or wives are calling us to come home. Or telling us that if we stay out too late it’s not courteous. Or we finally get to go out with the girls and we feel guilty because your kids are hysterically crying when you leave. Life is one big rush and while I keep wishing for a damn second alone, I keep wishing time would slow down. Even when I’m saying all these things, my kids love me. As adults we hate the negativity and self- talk and sometimes it’s hard to love others who keep hating on themselves or complaining, but kids don’t see that.
I’m really good at not saying these things out loud. And if I feel bloated and gross, I just say how beautiful I am. If I weigh myself (yes, sometimes I still do), I say I can’t wait to see how strong I am. Being a teacher has made me a better mom in ways and I’m super aware of what I say around my kids.
I need a minute to regroup. If I want to go to dinner with the girls once a month, clap for me and tell me I deserve it. I don’t need a vacation in Jamaica for a week and I don’t ever travel for work, but I’d like to have a life outside this home. I would like to define myself by being a mother, but also by other things outside of that because I was that first. I love my children dearly. I love them so much it hurts and I love love love love this age. Sometimes I even want another baby. I love my husband more than anything in the world- he’s a manly man and he’s endured a lot in his life- which sometimes spills over into our relationship. But husbands (and I think I speak for most women) just don’t get it. We are supermoms and we have a different role, but that role isn’t to be stationed at home 24-7 with no life except for being with the kids and going to work. An unhappy mom is a crappy mom. Maybe we don’t a lot of time for ourselves but if I wanna lock myself in the bathroom while the kids are screaming and crying for me, just know it’s for a reason. And yes sometimes I hate my body because I feel bloated or I don’t like what I see in the mirror because I pick everything apart- we are our own worst enemies. But let me vent that to you real quick and then move on with the day. I’ll take a “you’re beautiful” for 500. I’m not saying Howie doesn’t do these things because he does but when I’m in these moods or feeling cranky because I’m allowed to be, I need a script. I need to literally explain what I need in these moments and I think most moms do.
Thank you husband for being the best, but understand my brain doesn’t work like yours. Understand we have a different love language. Understand our experiences are different. Understand my needs and tolerances are different than yours. And that’s all okay. It’s okay to feel all these feels. It’s okay to talk about it. It’s okay to be a cranky bitch and it’s okay to need a second to regroup or breathe. None of this makes us a bad mom. Love each other enough to understand that if your significant other loves something, cheer them on and find a way.
Shout out to zarbees melatonin for helping my kids fell asleep. Thank you to my amazing paras who know me so well and know when I need to tap out without saying it. Thank you A for having dinner with me once a month and making it a priority. Thank you google calendar for syncing my calendar with my husbands because during this season of life, we sometimes are more business/scheduling partners than anything. Thank you to all the moms cheering each other on in this busy crazy chaotic beautiful life.