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You are human

Run. Because it’s your only sanity.

Shower.

Beg each kid to wake up and get dressed.

Run around and pack their backpacks.

Some days do it alone.

Drive them to daycare and school.

Get to work and it’s on- no calm before storm. No calm. Always storm.

Work. Eat standing up. Hide in the bathroom just to get a second without someone.

When you have a job like mine, you’re always on. You can’t be off your game. Ever.

Juliana is dropped off to me before my kids are dismissed. She usually pees her pants- to point of it dripping down her legs. She also usually tantrums because she’s so good at school and is so tired when she comes home. It’s safe to say I go from tantrum to tantrum all. Day. Long.

Write report. Finish IEP. Email parents. All at home outside on the driveway or on the steps. Aka- usually nothing gets finished. I can’t do it at work because it’s too busy. Howie doesn’t really understand why teachers work after their workdays are “over.”

Oh, you peed your pants again.

Wait, can I have a second without kids?

Cue another tantrum. Cue the burnout.

Cook dinner. Pack lunches. Load and unload the dishwasher because the dishes eventually pile up, the flies come, it’s gross. Load and unload the laundry. Screw the folding of the clothes. Which then usually results it never folded for weeks. Who has time to even play with their kids? How freakin sad. Yes the cleaning can wait, the dishes? The dinner? The lunches for tomorrow? The diapers and wipes I forgot to pack 4 days ago? The check that’s due in a few days for daycare? The underwear and clothes full of pee thrown on the floor? That can’t wait.

While I’m doing the dishes, Hudson falls and is crying. The phone is ringing because our debit card was hacked $400. Juliana’s screaming because Blippi won’t turn on.

Clean up dinner. The milk that spilled. The food on the table and half of it that didn’t make it to their mouths. Don’t get me started on refusing to even eat dinner.

Give baths. And for anyone who didn’t know what giving 2 kids a bath looks like? Imagine bathing 2 pigs, slipping and sliding full of mud or poop or dirt. I usually give the baths.

Time for bed. Now this is like herding cows in the dark with no light. Sometimes we do melatonin. Sometimes we cry because Juliana is so wired she can’t calm her body. And Hudson? The kid won’t stop nursing. I go back and forth with never wanting it to end to being READY. And with Howies job and life, there’s many nights I’m alone and he fights it. Mommy boob he says. And it’s the only way he falls asleep and thank every star in the sky he sees through the night. We don’t have babysitters because it costs more than one night out, which rarely happens too. Most nights they usually don’t get to sleep til about 9- jules sometimes 10. Write a report? Nope, I want to take a bath and cleanse my mind with friends or something other than a kid or a student or my job. I am human.

This is a large mommy to do list in a day and I totally get that my plate isn’t as full as many other people. Maybe my threshold is getting smaller and smaller but how the hell do moms do it? Working moms, stay at home moms, anyone?! I also get you can’t get everything done because you are one person, but most of that to do list is mandatory stuff. It’s what I do in a day…everyday.

I’m not a single mom and I know many single moms who rock their days. I can totally rock my day some days, like everyone. I won’t get into the nature of my job, but balancing it with being a mom to 2 toddlers has made me crazy. A bad mom because I can’t even pay attention to them because I’m trying to do everything else during the time I should with them. A bad wife because I sometimes complain and cry and beg Howie to come home so I can tap out, which of course as a wife and mom usually comes back to bite us in the ass. “I have stuff to do. Do something about it. Stop being negative. Why are there so many dishes in the sink?” Perspectives, right? We all have different ones. Different life and love languages. Different styles of communication. Different day to day responsibilities. It’s always hard to see the others point of view.

Points of views and judgment aside, I’m human. I’m only one person. Moms need a break. We are on all day and all night. We can’t be off. We have to be turned on every second. Imagine something that requires a battery and it’s left turned on all the time. It eventually burns out.

I’m not burnt out. I just need to tap out once in awhile. Yes, it’s nice to full that bucket (see previous blog), but for the love of God I need a second without people. I need to learn to turn my brain off. F the dishes, f the expectations. F the worrying about what each kid will wear the next day… easier said than done because even as I type this, my type A personality takes over and wants to pick out every outfit for the rest of the freakin school year labeled and set to the side.

I don’t have a lot of family here. We have our own lives and our own schedules, rightfully so. I know people who have no one and we have amazing grandparents but my kids are a lot. Most people have a hard time with both kids because it really a lot.

As moms, we are calling this our “normal” life as we complain about how busy we are, how tired we are, how frustrated we are, and how we literally have no time to come up for air. And no one really talks about mommy burn out. But it’s real and it’s freakin hard. And we need to talk about it and ask for help.

I have an amazing tribe, and amazing work crew, and an even more amazing family. My parents come every Sunday and never miss a race of ours, even with them living almost 2 hours away. To me, that’s everything.

Burnout is so epidemic that it actually becomes who we are. We start to hate who we are becoming. Your own kid hits you and you flip out. Your own kid starts screaming at you and scream back. Who am I?

We are so fast paced and running ourselves so ragged that this is now the way of life. I’m not sure I meet too many laid back, chill out, working/stay at home (it’s pretty simultaneous), slow paced mama’s anymore.

The point of this blog was not to air out my to do list or make anyone feel bad for me (although I wouldn’t mind a bottle of Pinot Grigio, takeout from my favorite restaurant or a gift card for a massage), but I have learned that it’s worth it to slow down if it means we are going to be better at parenting, being a nice (haha) wife, our job (even if they contributes to half hour exhaustion) and living a happy life. It’s okay to lose your shit, it’s okay to cry and scream, it’s okay to tap out. This doesn’t make you a bad mom. It makes you human.

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