This may sound a little morbid, but this summer is hitting me really hard- the last summer of me. The last summer that I don’t have to worry about my kids because they are still in daycare. The last summer I can sit on my unicorn float and read 3 books and day drink without feeling guilty. The last summer that I actually get to invest in me. I am by no means the best mom and I work pretty damn hard during the school year, but I like most of you, I am TIRED. I am burnt the F out. I work summer school and even in that, my hair is ripped out of my head and I am hissed at. When I come home, it’s the same thing but with my own kids. And God, I wanna do it all. I want to run and be in the moment and take them on vacation and be with them every second, but I also want to be alone and clean my house and SIT DOWN. These summers are SO needed to fill my gas tank and while I realize I AM SO LUCKY I get to do this, I am struggling this summer because this is my last summer without kids. But not just that. It’s a new phase. YES, I realize I get to look forward to so much and see them grow and spend time with them, but I think what I am struggling with the most is the next phase of life.
Juliana is going to preschool at my school next year. She will be under the same roof as me, no longer at the home daycare that knows her SO well, that she’s been in since she was 9 weeks old! The expectations at daycare are simple- they expect tantrums, potty accidents, etc. Public schools are a different ball game and when you’re a teacher that works in the same school that your kids go to, yikes is all I’ll say.
This summer is my calm. It’s the calm before the big transition, the next phase of life if you will. My little girl is growing up and once they start real school, time really does fly. This is the summer of me- I don’t have to think or worry or have a schedule. And even when daycare is closed for a week, we can stay in our pjs all day or roam the aisles of target with no agenda. During the school year, that’s all I do- plan and worry and rush. I worry about getting a call that my kids are sick, I worry about being late to work, I worry about the upcoming PPT, I worry about what I will wear the next day, I worry about if and when I can sneak a run in, etc. After work every day I get to take 15 minutes in my car and cut my split ends- no music, no phone, just me in silence to reflect on my day. I don’t get to do that next year because I will be bringing little miss sunshine to and from school. It’s those little things that fill me up. Those little things I have to let go of. I will find that again. Please don’t think of it being ungrateful because I can’t wait to get my 1:1 time with my first born. Next summer I can write a blog named, The summer of Jules and I. I can’t wait for that, but it doesn’t lessen my feelings right now in this moment. I feel conflicted. I don’t want her to grow up. I don’t want to lose my summers. I don’t want her to go to preschool. I don’t want the summer to end.
This summer has been what my soul needs. And if you talk to any teacher, July is like the Sunday of summer. The school year is knocking on our door. Back to school clothes and supplies are dominating the stores. We are already getting school emails and reminders to sign up for gymnastics or dance, the calendar for daycare of next year, people reminding me that Christmas is 5 months away, etc. This whole damn world is in a constant state of rushing. We all need a little break from planning every single thing, worrying about anything and everything, and most of all, kids need a break too- we just need to be. It’s a work in progress since most our lives are always on the go. I’ve been trying to practice just being for years. Right now in this phase of my life, just being in the moment and filling my tank back up is being without my kids and I’m not afraid to admit it. But guess what? They fill my tank too. They are my reason to do life. And this summer I have had the most amazing time with them because while it can mostly be crazy, they are both at the age where we all get to play and just be.
Change is hard. This last summer signifies change and transition. I am gearing up for the next phase and because this summer is exactly what my soul needed, it’s hard to say goodbye. Next blog- my best self. Stay tuned.
Mamas who are entering a new phase, dropping their babies off to daycare for the first time, mama’s who are sending their “babies” to preschool or kindergarten (on a big bus alone), we got this. It’s hard, no doubt about it. This milestone will impact you in a major way—mentally, physically and emotionally. But from a mom who’s been there, I want to tell you that it is going to be okay. Daycare, preschool, kindergarten- these are all those transition milestones that this summer just keeps reminding me of. The world is a scary place- it’s chaotic and hard to navigate at times. But with the right guidance, comfort and support, we can and we will get through these transitions that life gives us. While I wish summer was longer, I am so grateful that I get this opportunity to reflect on my life. That I get to slow down and really appreciate everything my life has.
Go easy on yourself. ❤