I got to play with my kids tonight. I got to spend real time- no husband, no screen time, no running, no multitasking, no phones- yes I took pictures and videos obviously because it’s me.
I wanted to cry the whole time, not because I was sad but because I was so damn happy and so were they. I wanted to cry because time is slipping right out of my hands and for the love of God I sound like a broken record. I want time to slow down and I can’t stand how it won’t. I actually started to cry and no wine was involved. I just felt overwhelmed with emotions. I cried because Juliana loves Hudson the way I loved her when it was just her. I cried because Hudson loves her so much. I cried because they are growing too fast. I cried because I am so freaking busy even when I’m with them that I forget to enjoy them. I cried because they are so innocent and I know they won’t stay that way. I cried because there was another freaking shooting in Colorado and 8 kids are in the hospital probably about to die. I cried because I don’t want my little innocent loving toddlers to become ungrateful addicted to iPads and social media kids. How do I protect them? How do I make sure they come out to be good human beings?
I am so unbelievably overwhelmed with emotions when I stop and think about how much I love them. And I feel so guilty because I actually get annoyed with them sometimes. I’m trying to run and they are in the way. I’m trying to stalk people on Instagram so I can compare my life to others and they need me. I’m trying to write an IEP and now they are fighting. Who cares about all the in between. Be in those freaking moments- all of you- because I swear to God you will look back and beg for those moments back. The moments where they need you, want to play with you, can’t wait for you to come home…
I was outside all day after work today. They rode in their Jeep, we played with chalk, we ate dinner in the driveway, we played pretend, and we even danced in the rain. For once I didn’t care about cleaning up after every little thing because my OCD does that. I didn’t care about checking my phone every second. And I didn’t care what I had to do that night or the next day. I wish I knew how to turn my head off and be in the moment more, but tonight revived me.
My kids love me- and I think they love me just as much as I love them. Juliana’s mannerisms are mine- she is nurturing and if she sees me cry (which she did tonight) she immediately comes over to wipe my tears and tell me to breathe. I did something right. Hudson and Jules play together and she is so protective always making sure he won’t get hurt. She’s my little mother leader. Part Howie, part me. I’m the nurturer, he’s the leader. Then there’s baby Hudsie- he adores his “Nunna” (Juliana) and adores me. He always has to run over to me after he doesn’t something fun to “tell” me. I see the light in their eyes and it radiates through my soul.
How did I get so lucky? Yes, we have our moments and it’s not always rainbows and sunshine. Juliana is a threenager and Hudson is a baby monster. But the love they have shines through their souls like the freaking sun. They are good hearted and innocent and it literally breaks my heart into pieces imagining what this world could do to them.
I have to learn to let go of what I don’t know. It’s okay that I don’t know what they will become or who they will be friends with. It’s okay that I don’t know where I’ll be in 5 years. It’s okay that I don’t know how to fix every person I meet.
It’s not okay that time has to keep going. It’s so cruel that when you want time to speed up, it seems to go slower, but when you want it to slow down it seems to go faster.
Every night before bed I tell both my babies that I don’t want them to grow up. I go back and forth between never wanting them to grow up to being excited about seeing what they will become. Sometimes these feelings overwhelm me so much I just cry. And Jules will take my face and say, “I can’t stay a baby, Mama. God says I need to grow up. And my body says I can’t because I eat a lot of fruit so I keep getting bigger.” I actually can’t even handle that. Then she tells me she will always love me and come back to me. Having a moment here.
I don’t want the world to corrupt their hearts. I know I can’t slow time down, but I will do my best to protect their little hearts and keep them safe. The world is a big place and right now in these moments they are innocent and full of love- that’s why I want to stay here. Some days I don’t want to go to work and love other people’s kids (even though I do with all my heart because that’s what I do)- I want to stay here and love on my own. I want to play Legos on the floor, eat goldfish, go to target and have no real agenda. But in all honesty, I love my life and I thank God every single day. I was meant for this. I didn’t realize the amount of emotion that came with this gig but it’s opened my heart to a whole new feeling I’ve never felt.
I sound like a freakin broken record, but motherhood does that to ya. Go out and play with your kids. Screw your schedule and the never ending cleaning/ to-do lists. Your kids love you through all that. Be there with them. Be present because it means everything to them and tonight I saw that. I know it in my heart but sometimes life can squeeze you so hard that you feel like you have nothing left. Ironically, even when I’m annoyed, yelling at them, trying to change poop, do the dishes, text my dad back, do the laundry, empty the dishwasher, wash the floor by skating on wipes, clean up the constant trail of mess, clean up spilled milk, email a parent back, and break up a toddler wrestling crying screaming match- my kids revive me. I could probably go without the screaming, but love wins. Love beats all that.