life, love, marriage, motherhood, parenting, surviving motherhood, toddlerhood

I just need a minute…

When you’re a mom- stay at home mom or working mom, you literally never stop. When people around you say they are exhausted, half the time you want to clock them and say- you don’t even know. Even thought they probably went through this when and if they had kids. But damn times have changed.

I work full time as a special education teacher in a self contained room with about 7 elementary school aged boys. It’s my passion, but it’s the first year I’m doing it with 2 kids. My 2 kids are needy. They are 21 months old and 3.5 years old. They want attention, rightfully so. My husband is by the book and his head is cluttered with nonstop thoughts, so when someone falls aka gets the flu or something happens, it puts a little dent in our plans, especially his. As parents, we have this idea of how life should be. How much money we should have or be saving. How to raise our kids. We all need to work to make money. Blah blah blah. But realistically when you have kids, any expectations or plans go out the window because ultimately their needs come first. It’s not about us as parents anymore. We live for them. We work for them. We beg for a minute so we can be the best version of ourselves for them.

It’s hustle and bustle all damn day and then it’s come home and give our kids all of us. I’m the first to admit I just want to lay in bed, scroll social media because I’m freaking addicted since it’s a mindless activity, and then sleep until tomorrow. But there’s mouths to feed, kisses to give, dinner to make, lunches for tomorrow to make, IEPs to write, emails to respond back to, laundry to do, and the list goes on.

I often think- how the hell will I make it through the year? When I’m at work sometimes I just want to come home and be a stay at home mom. Then when I’m home for a snow day or a long weekend I can’t wait to go back to work. Oh the joys and emotions of motherhood.

I was made for this. I was made for a fast pace life. I can’t just sit down and watch tv or eat all day long. That’s the shit vacation is made of. I like to keep going and I workout, run, and teach Zumba for my own sanity and health. If I didn’t, then I would lose that energy. I would start to fall apart. I need me time. I can do whatever I want in that me time and if that means cutting my split ends for 30 minutes in the car in silence then so be it.

I can’t stand rushing and I feel like that’s all I do. I hardly even see my husband. We haven’t gone overnight in 4 years. We maybe go to dinner 5x a year not even. It actually costs us more money for a sitter than the actual dinner.

Wake up, nurse my son, get the kids dressed and eat a decent breakfast. Pick up the mess they make/ literally bending down every 5 seconds just to pick up the milk, Cheerios, dog treats, shoes, toys, etc. I have OCD so I can’t stand leaving a messy house. Get Hudson in his car seat and buckle them both in. Drive to daycare down the road but shoot, you forgot the wipes. You’re already late for work and that gives you major anxiety because you have to greet a new kid from the bus in order to transition him into the school successfully. The minute I get to work it’s on. I eat standing up. I pumped in the microwave for 2 years. I run the bathroom and try to make the pee come out quicker. I try to put out fires, all while managing my amazing para- educators ( schedules, lunch, duties, kids ). I try to calm down parents and communicate with teachers. I get pushback a lot. I have meeting and IEPs to write, but no prep time to write because I am in constant motion and with kids 24/7. I chase kids and I try to be present in those moments to love them all I can. I find myself rushing. I’m rushing to a meeting, rushing to finish my last thought, rushing to the phone, rushing for the day to be over, rushing while I eat, rushing to get to sleep before one of my kids wakes up… The anxiety of being a working parent is no joke. And then on top of that not getting any time with your husband or wife- well crap. No wonder why there are tons of divorces. Oh yeah, and no sleep. ZeRO.

I just need a freaking minute to gather my thoughts and compartmentalize them. I need to run to release that dopamine and I can breathe again. I need to be more present with my kids and leave work st work. I need to get off my stupid phone and hide it.

I need to stop rushing. I want to love life so much that I don’t want to rush. But I’ve also come to realize that this particular season of life is just hard. It’s not awful and my whole family is healthy and happy. It’s just hard and this mama is tired. This mama just wants a minute. A time out from everyone and everything.

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