Let me just start off by saying that I have gotten some backlash for some of my recent posts, specifically Mama Meltdown. I am not looking for attention, or for someone to call DCF on me, and I’m not trying to make my family look bad. I write these blogs for me, but also to raise awareness that not every couple or mama is perfect and what social media portrays isn’t always what you get. I thank God every single day for my life and everything in it- the good and the bad. When I think about it I really don’t have much bad. I am my own worst enemy and I have gotten much better over the years, although my anxieties and spazziness will always be a part of who I am. I have recognized over the years that I am human and I am allowed to feel feelings however I want to and not everyone will share those feelings/have the same perception of those feelings. And that is perfectly okay because if everyone felt the same this world would be oh so boring.
I’ve been complaining a lot about how stressed I can get and how I struggle managing 2 hyperactive toddlers, but I realized I haven’t written much about what I am good at. I know my weaknesses and anyone who knows me knows I am easily overwhelmed and when I get overwhelmed I get anxious. Not the hibernate shutdown kind, but the bite the skin around my nails, want to sit in my car and cut my split ends, don’t want to be late, need everything planned out kind of anxious. I feel horrible that I am passing that gene down to Jules because she’s already biting her nails nervously throughout the day. Having the summer off has eased my anxiety, but also thrown me off a little since I am out of routine and structure- hence this past week that daycare was closed. It was crazy for all of us and I really did struggle. But I want to talk about the good parts too. After all, motherhood is a rollercoaster of emotions, rightfully so.
Jules, my mom and I got our first pedicure and we had to wait a long time. I swear it was like an hour before she got her toes done and another hour until my mom and I got ours done. Jules was so patient, didn’t run around, asked questions, sat with us, etc. Someone came over to me and said she was the best-behaved 3 year old she’s ever seen. I almost fell out of my seat. The next day I brought both kids grocery shopping and I got 2 compliments from 2 different people about how well-behaved my kids were. Juliana is amazing when we are out- waves to people, uses the potty, and zero tantrums. I can sometimes see them brewing in her face, but she never explodes in public. She understands about strangers and knows she can’t run off from me. Some of that is partly because I instilled fear of strangers taking kids, which is sad that I even have to teach her that. She always stays with me and protects Hudson. She rode the Essex Train with her Nana and Papa, we all did a family trip to the Trolley Museum and both kids loved it. It’s when we are trapped inside our house with nothing to do- they act out and it’s exhausting. The weather isn’t helping either. It’s also when they are overtired – woof, cue the aggression and crankiness. We had play dates and we took a walk almost every night. We had a blast and this summer has been nothing short of amazing, but there have been some rough patches…
Just going back through some of my blog posts, I realized I wanted to include more positive ones too. I love to be around positivity and I aim to radiate positivity, but there are also times I am negative and I just need to be in that moment- without judgement. Like I said, I am human and sometimes I get mama depression- where I go from wanting to spend every waking second with my kids and kiss my husband, to wanting to run far far far away from everyone and everything, to wanting to go back to work to for human adult interaction to wanting to be a stay at home mom again. I can hardly keep up with my own emotions.
But when people compliment me on my kids, I consider that the best compliment I’ve ever had. And that is a mom win.