motherhood

Tired Mama #momfail

I feel like I see a trend of these blogs being negative and I really don’t mean it, but damn I am in a bad rut lately. My toddler is oppositional defiant and mostly just towards me and my almost 11 month old wants to be held all day long and in my arms it all night long. He is up every 1-2 hours and Juliana is up 4-7 times a night screaming. I’m feeling like a bad mom lately because I will lose my shit at night when she keeps screaming every 5 minutes or for an hour straight #momfail. Nothing works…rocking her, putting books in her bed, getting her new water, changing her diaper, taking her mattress out of the crib to shake off the “spiders”, sleeping on the floor, putting her in our bed, etc. She is exhausting me lately. Friday was a really bad day- I went to pick her up at daycare and she refused to leave meaning I had to physically pick her up from the room and restrain her in her carseat.That was fun. I should have stopped there and not brought her to dance, but I felt like it would be nice just her and I. My sister-in-law babysat Hudson. Boy, was I wrong. It was terrible#momfail. She lasted 5 minutes, turned around and started crying to me. Then she ran back and forth to the door crying and laughing. I felt like one of those hot mess moms that can’t control her kid. I had to go into the dance class 3x just to get her. Thank God I used to teach there and know the girls who teach the class. Not sure if that’s worse or better actually. Restrain #2 of the night- she didn’t want to go in the car seat slamming her head and crying, begging to go back in. We tried that the week before. Not sure what the hell happened from the last few weeks where she did amazing. She was a whole new kid- focusing for a whole 45 minutes, doing all the dance moves and doing them well, looking back smiling at us, doing dance at home, and always talking about dance class. Okay okay, she’s 2.5. That night she woke up 4x and Hudson was up all night.Oh, and he ended up on our night stand sleeping. That was scary- #momfail. I slept a total of 3 hours and 43 minutes. I forgot to mention it was my birthday too. Howie was working, so I was flying solo. I’m okay, but I have major anxiety about night-time and having to get up with both kids.

The next day Howie and I ran a 10k for St. Paddy’s Day. We were excited, but bringing the kids takes 2 days to get out the door. Plus we were picking up Howie’s parents to come with us. Well, shit show #200. It was freezing, windy, Hudson wanted to be held and not in the double stroller, Jules wanted to walk around, and no one was able to see us cross the finish line. I couldn’t help but feel anxious as I ran because it was cold and I kept worrying about the kids. Jules woke up that morning with major boogies and complain about her ears. I know her tubes are loose, so I just brushed it aside #momfail. That night, my parents came down and took Howie and I out for a very nice dinner. It was like we were in Jamaica hahaha- we haven’t been out to eat by ourselves to a nice restaurant without kids in years. I drank and ate chocolate cake and cried to my dad because I was so tired. I actually cried. I am so burnt and tired and exhausted. I have slept 6 hours in 2 days and I am never alone or with my husband alone. I’m surprised Howie hasn’t divorced me yet, since I’ve divorced him overnight 3x a night for the past month. We got a text as we were leaving saying that Jules is complaining about her ear hurting and crying uncontrollably. She was at Nana and Papa’s with Hudson. When we got there, she had a fever and her ear was leaking #momfail. I gave her Tylenol and held her, but all she wanted was Daddy. Of course. We loaded them both in the car to go home, as I am buzzed beyond belief over one sangria and feeling all emotional and relaxed. Buzz kill- they both scream cried in the car so I had to lean over the car seat and nurse Hudson as Howie was driving. My anxious self was so nervous a cop would stop us while I was nursing him as he drove- that was a sight to see. Howie blasted meditation music (App- Insight Timer= amazing) and both kids were OUT like a light. They each woke up a few times, but Hudson more and Mama only slept about 4 hours.

Sunday was another bust as Jules was down for the count- lethargic, feverish, red eyes, red cheeks, not eating. We had to run errands and poor Howie’s parents had them all day Saturday and were exhausted because our family is a Goddamn tornado. We had to load our sick kiddos in the car and go to Costco and a few other places #momanddadfail. Thank God for YouTube kids and the ergo baby. Jules watched Daddy Finger on repeat and I wore Hudson. My poor shoulders are on fire lately because he’s in my armpit at night and wearing his 18.5lb cute fat self kills my shoulders. This has been a bad week sleeping and my shoulders are shot- never have they ever been so sore or jacked up. I mean, this is to the point that I can’t even sleep no matter how tired I am because they are tensed up and spazzing.

Sunday night, Howie’s family had a little party for me. Shit show #201. Holy crap. 3 kids under 3 in a small house with a pellet stove on and an Italian family. Juliana was the loudest, hitting Noah, Hudson is standing everywhere trying to touch the pellet stove or eat cat food, Noah under the table crying for cake, Cora asking us if we want more food, more food, and more food, Howard yelling at us for being too loud, and I just want to cry because I am sooooooo tired. Oh and I have a stye in my eye and I’m allergic to their cat which made it worse. Jules was declining fast and I knew I had to call out of work since Howie was working. Poor Jules wasn’t eating much, had thick green boogers, and ear discharge. I couldn’t even give them baths because it was too chaotic and crazy #momfail. Meditation music worked wonders on the way home and Jules was SOOOOO tired, she slept 12 hours straight. Hudson? NOT so much. Get out of my bed. Sleep in your damn crib! I love you, but dude, Mama needs some space so I can recharge and be a good  mama.

The ultimate mom fail- I brought Jules to the pediatrician today and turns out she has a double ear infection. No fever, but junky ears and her tubes are on their way out, which is scary because we aren’t sure if she will need a second set of tubes. Let me tell you, Juliana is a force to be reckoned with. She is fierce, feisty, moody, bossy, cranky, sweet, talkative, smart, intuitive, observant, strong-willed, determined, loving, protective, defiant, silly, active, energetic, and beautiful. I love her, but man it is going to be hard in the future. She was prescribed steroid antibiotic ear drops and thank God she wants to be a doctor because she takes them like a champ.

I love love lover her, but I am petrified for our relationship as she gets older. I already feel like we butt heads. I will never forget one day I was at a wedding and some woman who vaguely knows me through family and friends comes up to me and claimed she knew I would have a boy next. Mind you, Jules wasn’t even one yet at the time. This woman is nice, but overstepped her boundaries big time- judging me and my Instagram asking me if I had mommy issues and asked why I post fitness pictures of myself. Woah dude, mind ya bizz. This is me, not you and it has nothing to do with you. She proceeded to tell me that I am screwed and my daughter will most likely rebel against me and will always want Daddy and I will feel hurt. She claimed this will stem from my relationship with my mom when I was younger. Great. I had a boy- check. I already feel this weird angst with Jules- check. I try so hard to be a good mom- I try not to show them I am frustrated, I explain every question she has for me, I try to keep calm and patient, I try to  stay firm and consistent, I don’t raise my voice unless absolutely necessary, I praise when appropriate and let her know I understand she’s frustrated, I try to teach manners, and I really try to abide peaceful parenting. But she looks at me funny and tries to take advantage of me lately. It’s starting and I am feeling like a BIG failure. I just want her to go back in my stomach and I will replay year 1-2 when she slept and loved me and let me rock her. Please God, let her stay with me right here in this moment- where she loves ME and not only Daddy. Let HER be wrong.

Dear mama,

We are not failures. We are learning and we are sleep deprived beyond belief. It’s hard to rationalize anything when you are tired. Why do I still run if I’m tired? Do you skip meds? Why don’t you sleep when they sleep? Well, they don’t nap unless they are at daycare or in the car. At night, I am so tense and anxious because it’s like waiting for a bomb to go off when I am about to fall asleep. And then all night long they are both awake. Not all the time, but Hudson is yes.

As I write this, I am listening to meditation music with a heat pack on my neck and Hudson was able to transfer to crib while I went in the tub. I was so scared of him waking up that my heart was beating as I was in my jacuzzi. How sad. Well, he’s been in there for 1 hour and once I go to sleep, he will be awake. God help us tired mamas. Now I get why some moms go off the deep end. Seriously though, we got this. This too shall pass. Keep em young and they don’t sleep. They get older and sleep, but aren’t your babies anymore. Motherhood can be such a bitch sometimes, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Just wish I was the mom who can co-sleep comfortably and not feel my shoulders be jacked up and anxious every second during the night.

Breatheeeeeeee. We will wish for these storms again in our lives.

 

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