It’s 2am and I just turned 33. I want to snap. I am sleep deprived, I have a stye in my eye and I want to run away from my toddler for a few a days. She is bombing out of dance class with the most embarrassing behavior, making me chase her while she laughs and waking up every fucking hour of the night. She stalls and doesn’t go to bed til 10pm no matter how hard we try to be firm and consistent. She wants daddy all the time and I already feel a sense of overwhelming angst between us. She will scream this piercing scream or hit her head when she’s upset. If she doesn’t want to go somewhere she will stay grounded in one spot and could care less if we leave. Hudson wakes up every 2 hours and wants my boob and then I’m up for 3 hours at once. When I try to go back to sleep my body is restless and anxious as I wait for the next bomb to go off. All night long.
I cried tonight, real ugly tears as Jules ran around dance class quitting and then didn’t go to bed til 10pm- Howie’s working. And then she woke up at 1140 and 115 then again at 140. I’m pretty positive she will be up screaming again 5 or 6 more times. She was screaming then she was wide awake and I started crying as I was trying to rock her but really I just wanted to wear those really nice noise canceling headphones and leave her to cry in the crib for hours. Hudson fell asleep nursing and since Howie’s not Home I kept Hudson in the bed and surrounded it with pillows, but my restless self can’t sleep on Howie’s side so I had to move him to the crib so I could actually sleep. He peed all in our bed and I couldn’t even change him because jules was screaming just as I transferred him to the crib. He’s still asleep in his soaked jammies. #badmom
What did I do?!?! Yes my kids are healthy and happy and active, but Jesus Christ can’t I just sleep more than 2 hours at once? Can’t my body just feel relaxed? I have a damn stye in my eye because I don’t sleep. I am a walking disaster- just ask my work. Crispy, dry, unruly hair, bags under my eyes, late to wherever I go, bloated stomach, sometimes I don’t shower. I feel broken and tired and dirty and short tempered and gross and sick.
Then when I went in a few minutes ago I lost it crying and jules looked up and said, “Mama, I got you. I love you.” I always say that to her.
I must be doing something right…