Today, in particular, I’m feeling the weight of the world. I am tired and cranky and exhausted. It’s not about me anymore though. It’s about the kids. I don’t mean to sound conceited or rude, but I just want it to be about me today. I want to curl up in a ball in my bed by myself, eat the whole pint of banana chocolate swirl gelato by Talenti, and watch This is Us. I don’t want to be at work or answer to anyone today. I don’t want to run or pick up the kids at daycare or pack lunches or write IEP’s. I don’t even feel like showering.
Last night was really tough. Juliana was screaming because she thinks we know what she wants all the time, so instead of using her words she will scream at the top of her lungs. Meanwhile, Hudson has blood all smeared on his face from his 2 front teeth that are ripping through his gums so he is restless and cranky as ever. He woke up every hour last night throughout the whole night. There were a few times that I actually slept on my hardwood floor while he and Howie slept peacefully in our bed. What about me? My eyes were burning so bad I was crying. He wants to sleep on my boob and if I try to put him in his crib, he cries and then usually hits his head on the crib or wakes Juliana up. I surrendered and just let him nurse, but then I had to pee and he loses his mind because my boob isn’t in his mouth. What about me? I just want to hug a pillow and sleep without anyone near me.
We dropped the kids off at Howie’s parents the other day so Howie and I could go to Home Depot to look at carpets and paint colors for our bedroom. Ahhh, finally alone time, but the clock is ticking. We spent a little over an hour there and I was starving. When we went to pick up the kids I couldn’t wait to eat dinner, but of course I couldn’t eat right away. Hudson came crawling at me like a bullet and wanted to nurse. Okay, everyone else gets to eat, but what about me? Don’t get me wrong, I love nursing. I love my kids. I love my life. I am thankful AF as the kids say these days. But damn, let me breathe. Give me a second. Give me one night I can sleep more than 2 hours at a time. Give me one meal where I can eat at an appropriate pace and not shove food down my throat while I clean the table and make sure the kids don’t choke. Give me one shower where I don’t have to rush because Hudson is crying his eyes out or Juliana is half way in the toilet. Give me one day where I can go to the spa and get my hair done, a pedicure, and a massage and I don’t have to rush.
Most moms or people will be quick to tell me to stop nursing. Yes, that’s a huge factor. Not as much of a factor as it was with my first because I have so much milk pumped I could feed a country. But I’m definitely not ready to stop since it is my last baby and this is the only thing I have to hold on to. Both my kids are active and into everything and when they are so busy, they don’t necessarily need mama anymore. Hudson still needs me and I love it. I don’t love it at 3am, but I am so in love with my kids that it trumps all.
I’m not writing this for solutions or opinions, just to vent and let other mamas know that it’s okay to take time for you. It’s okay to cry and feel like your identity is being ripped away some days. It’s okay to want to go back to a life where you had no kids once in a while because this is the most exhausting, yet rewarding job on the planet and we don’t get paid or enough recognition. I’m not saying we need to at all, but even our kids (and husbands) don’t understand how much of us we give to them. And when you give give give give give all day long (God bless stay at home moms), you are entitled to be burnt out. It’s okay. Take a step back and breathe. Set up a plan with your husband, wife, significant other, babysitter, and plan time for you. Schedule it in- even if it means driving to Starbucks and sitting there to write your blog or read a trashy book. For me, I have to actually leave my house to get any time or solitude. It’s OKAY to feel like this. This too shall pass. And on the other side of that, there are kids who love you SO damn much and even though they can’t entirely express it how we wish they would, they love you unconditionally.
And what about me? Well, I’m a damn good mom and I deserve time to recharge because that makes me an even better mom.