1. You can’t really wear perfume anymore because your nursing babes will choke on it. Hell, you really can’t be cute anymore unless you have a nanny, are rich, and/or you have help around the clock.
2. Can’t really be naked anymore because your toddler will tell everyone they saw your “Gina”.
3. Your car will be covered in spilled milk, dried boogers, poop, and goldfish.
4. They should only make baby jammies with zippers. Snaps shouldn’t be allowed.
5. It feels like a bomb might go off every night when you’re about to fall asleep because you’re afraid your toddler will scream bloody murder because there are “spiders” in her bed or your baby wants your boob stat. The screaming or crying at 3AM is terrifying.
6. You may not shower for days, you may forget to brush your hair and you might not even wear a bra.
7. Putting a toddler down for a nap or bedtime is a lot like putting your drunk friend to bed.
8. Having kids as much as 20 months apart is like having twins.
9. You will never enter deep sleep again.
10. You have nice things in your house or you can have kids. You can’t have both.
11.Babies who crawl everywhere really should have helmets. People will ask you why there are so many bruises on their heads. Please don’t call DCF.
12. You will hate your husband at least once a day if he works overnight.
13. The best thing to carry everywhere you go are wipes.
14. You will find food and toys crammed in every part of your house – vents, cabinets, under the bed, behind the couch, etc.
15. Never argue with a toddler. Be firm, consistent, and clear.
16. Toddler tantrums test your patience beyond belief. Stay calm.
17. Never yell at a toddler because they learn that behavior and will do it right back for the rest of their lives.
18. Watch what you say around your kids because most likely your business will be everyone else’s business.
19. Your lovely little cherubs will poop and pee on the floor at one point- or a lot of points.
20. It’s okay to lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes of solitude.
21. When you have two kids, you realize how easy it was with one.
22. Some days you think you are actually going crazy or plan running away, but really you’re just a mom. It’s okay to feel that way.
23. Some days your meals might only consist of goldfish, popsicles, puffs, Mac n cheese, and pirates booty and that’s okay.
24. Moms should get paid to potty train and teach their toddlers how to brush their teeth. Oh, and when babies teeth, we should get paid.
25. The iPad is a saving grace in emergency situations. Don’t feel guilty.
26. When you have a baby younger than 1 who is breastfeeding, they really only see you as a 2 huge boobs.
27. Everything is rushed which means time flies which will make you sad, but appreciate these crazy times.
28. Always celebrate the little things and the big things.
29. Toddlers are the toughest human beings ever. You will never understand them so just stop trying.
30. Babies usually prefer to play with things that aren’t real toys- especially your phones. Don’t waste your money on dumb cute toys.
31. Sometimes you have to take a bath with your kids and that will count as your shower, even if you don’t get to wash up yourself.
32. You will dabble with the idea of wanting to be a stay at home mom to begging to go to work.
33. Work will often feel like a vacation.
34. You will never ever stop worrying about your kids.
35. Always rely on one mom friend who gets you. You will need her.
36. You won’t know what love is until you have kids, I promise.