Babies, Toddlers, life, love, motherhood, parenting, surviving motherhood, toddlerhood

I hate phases

“They grow up so fast. Oh, it’s just a phase. You think the terrible two’s are bad? Wait until they are three. I miss that age.”

I can’t stand it! I hate phases! I don’t want my babies to grow up. Yes, I complain that it’s hard right now trying to balance everything while having 2 active kids, but I am savoring every single second. I will cry and pout about being exhausted, but dammit, I love it all. I love this age and I love that they want me and need me. There may be a few days that I can’t shower or clean my house because I am so busy chasing them- one kid is behind the couch and the other is jumping off of it. As a teacher, I normally love snow days since I don’t have to work, but instead of lying on the couch watching Netflix relaxing, I am non-stop with Monkey 1 and Monkey 2. I know I will look back and beg for these times back. In those crazy moments, I am able to stop and breathe it all in. I am good at that.

Every week, Jules and I pick something to bake- our signature are pumpkin muffins and we just made avocado brownies. We blast our homemade Spotify playlist, bake, and jam. Hudson usually crawls around and plays in the kitchen. Lately, we bake and dance on snow days- this usually means I don’t go running, we stay in our jammies, dance, bake, and run around the house- all. day. long. Literally.

Every other night or every other 2 nights we all go in the jacuzzi- Jules, me and Hudson. Yes, I take baths with my kids. That’s when Jules begs me to shave her legs. Hudson loves the water and he can’t really sit up in the tub alone yet because he’s like a fat slippery pig haha. I want to create moments that my kids will always remember doing with me.

I try so hard to make time with just Juliana. I miss her. I miss us. Now that Hudson is getting older- there we go with the phases- he doesn’t want to be held or snuggled. He wants to crawl around and stand up on everything. Juliana actually wants to play with me. She wants to do puzzles (for hours), play with her dollhouse, bake, dance to her new guitar, go shopping (Costco and Target), play outside, etc. When she 1.5-2, she loved to play alone, but now she’s in the phase where she loves to play with people. She loves daycare and all of her friends. She loves dance class (although she didn’t love it last Friday and I cried). A few months ago, Hudson just wanted to cuddle and nurse because he really wasn’t mobile. This is why I hate phases. I hate time. Why does it have to go by so fast? There’s not enough time in a day. There’s not enough time in this life. A lot of people think otherwise, but this PHASE in my life is amazing. Everyday that passes by makes me nervous because I feel like my kids are growing up and soon I will miss this. I will miss them.

The other night we went out as a family and my heart was bursting. I don’t say it enough, but I love love love being with Howie, Jules and Hudson. It can be difficult to go out places because of all these damn phases. Hudson used to love being worn, but now he wants out. He doesn’t mind the stroller, but if we are at a stand still, he wants to get out and crawl around. Last night we went to the furniture store to get a new headboard and I wore Hudson. Jules can hang because she can walk or use the stroller. In the stroller I will sometimes let her use my phone to watch YouTube Kids. Hudson was okay for the first 15 minutes but then sees his sister playing on the bed or walking around and now he wants to get out and makes it known. I can’t hold him the whole time because he’s huge and I don’t want to let him crawl on the dirty floor. Oh, the struggles. We went to the guitar store too because Jules loves music. They both loved it and to see their faces when they heard the drums and piano was priceless. If I can remember and feel these moments, so will they.

Hudson fell asleep on the way home and Jules was wired, of course. So I got her dressed for bed and spent a little 1 on 1 time with her. We laid in our bed together just her and I and it was so special. She was playing with my hair, kissing my face, telling me she wanted to marry me, telling me she loves me and Daddy and Hudsie. We had a long conversation and cuddled for a half hour before he woke up. In that moment, she loved me. She forgave me for being upset that she didn’t finish dance on Friday or that I told her she had to sit to eat a popsicle. She loved all of me so so much. I really never ever knew what love was until I had kids.

Before I know it, they will both be walking and I will wish to go back to this. Then they will be running and fighting and I will want to go back to when they were just walking and listening to me. Jules loves to walk with us in the store. It’s so easy-going shopping with just her, but I remember going shopping with her before Hudson was born and it was a nightmare. She never wanted to stay in the cart or the stroller. Hudson will chill in the stroller still. I remember right before he was born- the day before actually- we went to Target at 8am on a Sunday and it was the first time I had her walk with me and she did amazing. She held my hand and stayed with me and even helped me pick things out. It broke my heart when I realized it wouldn’t just be me and her anymore. Those phases that she was going through were so clear for me. But when you add another baby to the mix, those phases pass without even remembering it. Thank God Hudson was an easy baby because I was still able to recognize each phase that she was going through.

The phases are life are tough, but beautiful at the same time. We all have to grow up and move on with life no matter what. Life doesn’t ever stop for us. It just keeps going and going and going. We raise our kids just to let them go. They get teeth just to lose them. They grow up to eventually take care of us. The circle of life is insane to me. The phases of life are so short. I can’t fathom anything bad ever happening to my kids and with everything going on in this world and in my circle of friends, you can’t help but be petrified. So live for those moments- the ones where you want to scream, laugh, cry, drink and sleep all at once. They won’t last forever and before we know it, they will be 13 and won’t want us anymore. I want to be their mama forever and ever and ever…in every phase of their life. Even when they hate me. Even when they don’t need me anymore.

I love you a million skies.

Love,

Mama

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