Poop explosions, no showers, tantrums, pee on the floor, coffee spills, runny noses, nightmares, no sleep, toys everywhere, doctor visits, bumps and bruises, almost heart attacks, leaky boobs, pumping in the microwave, nursing all night long.
Cuddles, kisses, I love you’s, singing, dance class, smiling back at me, crawling everywhere, meeting milestones, chalkboard milestones, taking walks, healthy kids, unconditional love, no judgment, laughing, being able to have a conversation with your toddler, feeling needed, endless love, being their hero.
This mama is always an emotional hot mess. I cry because I’m tired. I cry because I feel isolated. I cry because I feel overworked. I cry because I miss my husband. I cry because I’m tired and my FitBit says I hardly sleep- and I really don’t. I cry because I change about 20 diapers a day. I cry because every time I sit down to breathe, I hear MAMA. I cry because when I lay down to sleep, the baby wakes up and wants only me. I cry because I just want one second without a student or my own child in my face. I cry because I constantly compare myself to others.
But I smile because I have 2 amazing and healthy babies. I smile because Juliana says I love you all the time. I smile/CRY because when I seem stressed, Juliana tells me to take deep breaths. I smile because I have a job where I feel like I can “sometimes” make a difference. I smile because my family is AMAZING. I smile because I have more blessings than I could ever count. I smile because I love looking down at my last baby while I nurse him. I smile because I live in a beautiful house in a beautiful town with a husband who only wants the best for us. I smile because I have so much to be thankful for. I smile because this is my story.
I cry at commercials. I cut my split ends. I love Christmas. I love being with my family. I miss the hell out of my grandma and I miss my Grandpa- even though he’s alive, his heart and soul were gone awhile ago. I’m an old soul when it comes to love and they were the epitome of that. I had amazing love in college and people who know me understand that that love broke me, ruined me, and then put me back together…all on my own with a side of some therapy and meds. Broken hearts serve a purpose I guess, but damn do they leave a mark. When I finally woke up one morning and decided I didn’t want to be on anxiety or depression meds, I decided to RUN instead. By no means was I a runner, but I knew I wanted to start running. I would stalk Pinterest for ideas- treadmill workouts, hiit runs, outside runs, 5k training and then eventually I started planning to run my first half marathon. I ran my first half marathon in 2014 and then I ran my second one 4 months after that. I also just ran another one 6 months postpartum Hudson and killed my time. For me, I don’t run to lose weight, but I do it to beat anxiety. Running is my anti-anxiety medication and it makes me feel so good. When you’re anxious and high energy like me, you need an outlet. You need you time.
I am a passionate person and I love LOVE. I love to roll my windows down and blast country in my car with a really unhealthy and sweet DECAF iced coffee from Starbucks or Dunkin’ and thank God for moments like that. I don’t get to do it a lot, but when I do, I feel so thankful. I believe and trust 100% in God, but I don’t fully understand the whole Bible or his story. I love to help people, as corny as it sounds. I want to be a labor and delivery nurse more than ever, but I know right now I have it made as a teacher in the same town I live in (not exactly ideal for me, but it is for my kids), and summers off.
I am constantly talking to myself. Take a deep breath. Slow down. Go running. Do you. You’re fine. You can do this. Talk to God. Anytime I struggle or feel down, I self-talk. Doesn’t make me feel better right away like a good pedicure would, but it gets me through. I even have a tattoo on my arm that says just breathe. Sometimes I need that simple reminder.
I am a hot mess. I’m SO stubborn, strong willed (so is Jules), passionate, sensitive, loving, anxious, high energy, and an emotionally charged person. But the best of all is that I am a mama. I know I was meant to be a mama and God do I get scared. So scared because the more you have to love, the more you have to lose. And with today’s fucked up society, I am scared more than ever to raise my innocent and pure babies. Cue the tears as I write this and nurse Hudson while Jules is peacefully singing brother John in her crib to help her fall asleep.
But my students are probably locked in their rooms playing xbox all night talking to sex traffickers and child molesters. That’s the reality today. I just want to keep my kids in a bubble in my house with all organic food and I can nurse Hudson until he’s 14 hahahha!! I’m kidding.
Seventeen people were killed and more than 15 injured in a mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, on 14 February 2018, bringing the total number of school shootings in the United States since the beginning of the year to 18 (or roughly three per week), according to the gun control advocacy group Everytown for Gun Safety.
Are you kidding me?! 18 school shootings in 2018 and it’s only February. Cue the hot mess express and crying again. How does any parent stay sane? I will post more about this later, but for now, hug your kids. Be with them. Put your phone down. The chores can wait. I’m even writing this while I nurse. At first I got annoyed because I just wanted to be in bed without a person on me venting and writing this, but he was staring at me in his crib… just sitting there looking cute and squishy. Embrace the mess. Embrace the chaos of your story. Stop trying to control it. Be thankful you have so much to love- mamas, soon to be mamas, mamas who have lost, pet mamas…life can beat you down, but keep writing your story. Cry if you wanna cry. Laugh if you wanna laugh.
Breathe in. Breathe out.