2 kids they said. Have 2 kids! “Couples often think that children solidify a marriage but the truth is they are a serious threat. The transition from couple hood to parenthood marks one of the greatest stressors on the life of a marriage,” says John Jacobs, M.D., A NYC couples therapist. Naturally, the more time you spend on your kids, the less time you have to focus on yourself or your husband/wife. Jules is 2.5 going on 17 and Hudson is almost 10 months old and on the go. I get almost 20,000 steps a day and only 3 miles of that is from running. The rest is chasing them around the house. Plus, society has us scared shitless about raising our kids- how do we let them go to school if we can’t guarantee they will come home? How do we raise strong-minded kids? How do we calm them down in a damn store if technology is frowned upon? Ugh, this world is so scary and nothing is guaranteed ever. That’s why my goal is to make my family my little team- us against the world. But when there is constant bickering and arguing from your team, everything else wants to fall apart. I finally feel happy and strong and complete after having 2 kids. But I think for men it’s different. It’s more stress and anxiety.
Our second was a surprise gender so when we got our girl and our boy, I felt like the happiest wife and mommy ever. Then a few months went by and yikes. My husband and I were fighting about money, sleep, chores, time, etc. I felt like I got divorced a few times a day. I felt like a good mom but a bad wife.
Having kids can totally fuck up your marriage. Money for daycare, lack of sleep= lack of reasoning and total exhaustion, messy house, financial stressors, screaming kids, neediness, etc. It’s crazy! You have to watch everything you say and do because those little cherubs are watching everything you do, especially that fun loving bipolar toddler who is like a sponge. “Mommy, are you happy?” Poor thing internalizes everything I am feeling and quite frankly, it’s exhausting pretending to be happy every second. Honestly though, I am happy most of the time, but I am human. Like I said before, I love being a mom. I may not be the best mom, but I try really really hard- sit down on the floor in Home Depot and whip out my boob to feed Hudson try, get the stomach bug x a million and smile at Jules so she won’t see that I am sick try, stay awake 2 days straight to sleep in their cribs when they are sick try…Yes, being a mom is the most selfless job in the world. And sometimes I just want to be taken care of. By my husband.
With that said, how does anyone have time for their husband?! Anyone?! We pay almost $2000 in daycare a month and we don’t really have anyone who can consistently watch our kids. We just come and go and argue, bicker, and fight and it’s the same damn cycle. We are so happy and in love and then we hate each other. HATE each other- your breath smells, I don’t wanna kiss you, why are you never home, get off your damn phone hate each other. It makes me sad because I want our kids to grow up seeing how much we love each other, not hearing us yelling. “This too shall pass” I keep saying. It will get easier when they are older, but I also want to freeze time because I don’t want them to be older. I keep coming back to time- time for your kids, time for yourself, and time for each other. Lord knows there are days when getting one of them to bed is a nightmare so that shower or bath will have to wait until morning. Or Hudson is up crying and ends up sleeping attached to my boob so I don’t even really touch my husband. And then as the mom, most of the time really we are the primary caretakers. And our perception gets all cloudy because we are working and taking care of the kids and making dinner and cleaning and nursing and pumping. Naturally we think what the hell do they do?! I feel like a teenager who hates their parents and is stubborn and doesn’t want to admit this, but they do a lot to. They (as in my husband) takes care of the finances, makes sure there is food on the table, sets goals, and works full time.
Dear mama, marriage can suck when you have kids, but if you truly love each other, you will make it work. Be on the same team. Love your husband unconditionally and know that he wants the best for your kids and you and sometimes they may have a different perception of love. My husband’s definition of love is taking care of his family financially. My definition is emotional intimacy. They really do love us in all our colors. Dear husbands, love her unconditionally and if she calls you asshole after 2 hours of sleep, let her. Half the time us mom’s are so tired, we hardly know what we are saying. Plus half the day is spent pumping or nursing. Take pictures of your wives in their elements and randomly send them throughout the day.
At the end of the day, your little family is your team. Life is stressful. Society is ugly. But family is everything. Just breathe Mama. Just breathe Dada. WE got this.